Congratulations! You’ve landed an account on platforms like Essaypro, Edusson, Uvocorp, or Academia. But let’s be honest, keeping it is overrated, right? Let’s face it, being a freelance writer is just too much work sometimes. Deadlines, quality standards, client communication—it’s a grind! Wouldn’t it be great if there were a way to fast-track your exit from these platforms while making an unforgettable (and totally avoidable) mess on the way out? Fear not—losing a writing account is easier than you think! With just a sprinkle of recklessness, a dash of carelessness, and a dollop of “I couldn’t care less,” you’ll be well on your way to writing account freedom (and unemployment). If you’re looking to lose your writing account with flair, here’s how to do it.
Step 1: Submit Trash, Call It Treasure
Quality control is a myth anyway. Go ahead, slap together a masterpiece riddled with grammatical errors, wild assumptions, and sentences so awkward they make your readers cringe. Research? Overrated. Why bother when you can lean on Wikipedia and a handful of dubious blogs?
Pro tip: Forget about citations. Who needs MLA or APA formats when you can just write “Trust me, bro” at the end of every paragraph? Bonus points if you, don’t proofread. Typos, grammatical errors, and sentences that end in the middle of a tho—
Step 2: Master the Art of Missing Deadlines
Time is a social construct. If the client says they need the paper by Friday, why not surprise them with it on Tuesday… of next month? Nothing screams “professional” like a complete disregard for time management.
To ensure you’re perpetually late, perfect the fine art of procrastination. Start watching a Netflix series just before the deadline or take a nap “to clear your head.” When the client complains, tell them “Good things take time” or “I work better under pressure.” Your creative excuses are sure to be remembered, even as your account is suspended.
Step 3: Let AI Do the Heavy Lifting
Why bother flexing those human brain cells when ChatGPT can churn out a paper in 30 seconds flat? Forget originality, effort, or even coherence—just copy-paste that AI masterpiece and call it a day. Need a research paper? Boom, done. Client messages? Why not let AI write a poem instead? Nothing says “professional” like starting a message with: “Roses are red, deadlines are near, I used AI, and now I fear…”
Of course, platforms can sniff out AI content like bloodhounds on a mission, but who cares? Credibility is overrated, right? And when you’re inevitably caught, go full Oscar-winning drama mode: “AI? What AI? I thought it was a collaborative thought generator! I was merely synergizing with technology!”
Bonus: The hefty fine they’ll slap you with will pair beautifully with your deactivated account. Consider it a farewell gift—kind of like a going-away party, but with more financial ruin and existential dread.
Step 4: Plagiarize Like a Legend
Originality is so last season. Why rack your brain for new ideas when the internet is teeming with content ripe for the copying? Copy, paste, and repeat! Don’t bother paraphrasing; just CTRL+C and CTRL+V your way to glory.
For added flair, lift entire paragraphs from Wikipedia and forget to remove the hyperlinks. Better yet, plagiarize from your previous work submitted to the same platform. Nothing says “genius” like getting caught stealing from yourself.
Step 5: Turn Client Instructions into Your Own Personal Suggestions Box
Who do these clients think they are, trying to micromanage your brilliance? If they ask for a five-page analysis on climate change, why not gift them a heartfelt essay about Bosco your dog? Instructions are for mere mortals, and you, my friend, are an artistic visionary.
Formatting guidelines? Pfft. If they demand 12-point Times New Roman, crank it up to 20-point Comic Sans. Better yet, throw in some fluorescent yellow highlights for that “wow” factor. Word counts? Totally overrated. A solid two paragraphs should suffice for that dissertation request.
And oh, the joy of delivering unexpected gems! Picture their faces when they open your submission expecting an essay on postmodern literature but find a TikTok-worthy slideshow on dinosaurs instead. Or better yet, a case study on why mornings suck. Memorable, right?
Remember, clients secretly love chaos—they just don’t know it yet. So go ahead, ignore their pesky instructions, and deliver your magnum opus. They’ll either fire you or frame your work as modern art. Either way, unforgettable!
Step 6: Adopt a Unique Communication Style
Let’s make communication an adventure! When clients or support staff ask questions, be vague, cryptic, or outright rude. “Please clarify your request” translates perfectly to “Figure it out yourself, genius.”
Alternatively, disappear altogether. Ghosting isn’t just for dating apps—it’s a powerful statement in the freelancing world too. Let them ponder your silence as they stew in their frustration.
Step 7: Steal Clients with Zero Subtlety
Slide into the client’s inbox like: “Hey, want to work with me directly? I charge less than this greedy platform!” It’s the freelancing equivalent of trying to rob a bank while live-streaming it on Facebook.
Sure, the platform will find out eventually, but think of the adrenaline rush! And when you’re banned, just chalk it up to the cost of doing business.
Step 8: Share Your Account Like It’s a Netflix Password
Sharing is caring, right? Why hoard your account when you can distribute the login details to your cousin, neighbor, and that random guy from the matatu? Nothing triggers the platform’s security systems faster than logins from five different continents in the same day.
And if one of them decides to insult a client or contact support with fake complaints? Even better! Nothing says “career suicide” like trusting the wrong people.
Step 9: Ignore Verification Requests
Verification emails are overrated. If the platform asks for documents, pretend you never saw the message. After all, who needs proof of identity when you’re this talented?
Pro tip: If you’re using a purchased account and don’t have access to the original profile owner, this step becomes even easier. Just stare blankly at your inbox and hope for the best.
Step 10: Cook Up Fake Sources and Citations
Writing academic papers is hard work. Why waste time finding real sources when you can make them up? Cite random books, imaginary journals, or articles from the “School of Who Even Cares.” Or better yet, list actual sources you never read. It’s like playing Russian roulette with your credibility—thrilling!
Oh, another idea; Why don’t you let AI invent sources for you? The client will be thrilled when they Google your references and find absolutely nothing.
Step 11: Buy a Foreign Profile and Use Your Real IP
Bought a foreign profile account? Great! Now log in with your Kenyan IP on that shiny new Indian account. Platforms love it when their geolocation systems throw a fit.
Who needs VPNs, proxies, or RDPs? Be bold and let the platform know exactly where you’re working from. They’ll appreciate your honesty—right before they terminate your account.
Step 12: Burn Every Bridge
Let’s end with a bang: antagonize everyone involved with your account. Don’t pay writers who helped you with orders. Ghost brokers who sold you the account. Refuse to settle pending payments with the original owner.
These people have no power to harm you—except, of course, by reporting you to the platform, spamming your clients, or demanding your account be shut down. But hey, no risk, no reward!
Bonus Step: Cry on Social Media
After your account is terminated, don’t forget to post a teary rant on Facebook, blaming everyone but yourself. The platform is so unfair. They just didn’t appreciate your “creative” approach to freelancing.
Conclusion: Go Big or Go Home
There you have it—the ultimate guide to losing your writing account in record time. Whether you’re sabotaging deadlines, plagiarizing with gusto, or trusting the wrong people, rest assured your termination email is just around the corner.
To those of you who actually want to keep your accounts: avoid every single thing on this list. To everyone else: good luck out there, and may the chaos be ever in your favor.